at the risk of publicly posting this entry.... (although only 2 people read this, maybe 3)... I want to leave.

i woke up this morning thinking God's love is deep, high, WIDE. there are so many places to go, to see, to serve. He has the whole WIDE world! the ideal job- traveling around the world (to the ends of the earth) speaking to middle schoolers EVERYWHERE about the way God has designed them... their ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.. i'm about to break out into the david bowie song.... so i'll spare you and post this silly video. [i like the beginning where it says yay for omaba :) ]



but really. how cool would that be! I want to move and see what else is out there. God where are you leading me right now? I feel out of place. I need purpose here. can you give me a glimpse. I want to see! I NEED TO SEE!

i feel stagnant. bring me some adventure. oh dear, what am I about to bring on??

my best friend at work leaves in five weeks. it's around the corner. I am sad. jealous. searching. is it bad that I want to follow his example and leave.

where i work is not bad AT ALL-- how many times do i say I LOVE MY JOB, and i do. I know God has me here for a reason. I'm bored now, and I want to find out... or I want to leave.

the thing is, God's love is also longer than this road I travel. so how long God?

yesterday, i wrote a quote by Christopher McCandless--the guy from into the wild-- went off to find himself, all by himself-- and died. in the days approaching his death, he wrote "happiness is only real when shared."

so today, i want to share some happiness--because to me, this is real. i love my job- yesterday i wrote about this opportunity that god has given me to be with my kids, i am just so thankful for this life!

i have been meeting with my student leaders this past week in what i call m.a.ms (monthly accountability meetings). this is one of my favorite parts of my job. usually we go to starbucks, unless i'm meeting with a boy, usually we get real food (which is nice-- because i seriously think the caffeine is having negative affects on my body) it's bad if i'm shaking for another cup, no? any way, at these meetings we discuss how the students are doing in their prayer time, scripture time, giving and serving of others.. and it's so neat to hear their responses. we also talk a lot about any personal issues they are dealing with or experiencing at the moment. most of the time the students are doing pretty steady in their prayer time, okay in their scripture time, and pretty good with giving and serving.

yesterday i met with one of the coolest kids ever. he had cancer as a baby and was talking about how though he doesn't remember it, he still knows that every day of his life is a miracle, and he lives it that way too. he is 12 years old. isn't that amazing?? what would happen if we were to live everyday as a miracle? something he said really stuck out to me. i love this, whenever he is going to tell me something serious, he always goes, "um.. nicole.. um.. um.. ok, nicole..." this is what he said "I know that people go through hard times, i know that they have been hurt, or that they have and are experiencing miracles every day, but my miracle is my life." it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about him saying that.

this kid is the most honest 12 year old i know-- and i love it. he doesn't try to be someone he's not to try and make himself look better, he admits his failures, and wants to work to improve. i love that about him. i have some students that lie to me just because they don't want me to know they aren't reading their bible everyday. honestly-- i don't. i love this kid- when i asked him if he had read his bible at all since our last m.a.m, he was so embarrassed, but he said no. and said he wants to try again. he never stops trying to succeed.

he is full of love. he knows his duties as a student leader-- he is constantly trying to make other kids in the youth group feel comfortable and welcomed. he is my helper in creating this community of love. i have no doubt that god smiles at all of this kids efforts. he's just sweet, and the kids flock to him and i think it is because they sense his genuine love for them.

Romans 12:9-13 says, "don't just pretend to love others. really love them. hate what is wrong. hold tightly to what is good. love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other. never be lazy, but work hard and serve the lord enthusiastically. rejoice in our confident hope. be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. when god's people are in need, be ready to help them. always be eager to practice hospitality."

if this is how he lives his life, imagine the impact that he can have on so many people, especially when he lives his life as nothing less than a miracle.

isn't that how it is for all of us though? this gift of life-- yet it's up to us to determine whether or not we will let god use us for his glory.

and the praying... i love how he prays, and he does, he keeps on praying, even when he has no idea what to say. his mom put it great saying "he prays so raw." have you ever heard the phrase, "jesus is my homeboy??" this is totally how he talks to god, like a friend. "yo god, how's it going, i just wanna pray for um.. my friend." its so sweet. or if he's frustrated, he lets god know. question: do you think god would rather you not talk to him because it's only going to be venting?? or do you think that god is going to be happy that your talking to him about your problems at all?

but also, he hears god speaking to him! he feels the things that god places on his heart. i love that. he goes, "um.. nicole. umm.. um.. do you ever start praying and then feel like God says '[kid] don't forget to pray for...'" is that not the sweetest thing??

and doesn't the bible say that the holy spirit helps us in our weakness when we don't know what God wants us to pray for? the spirit is so working in him-- so much you can smell it on him! love it! this is real happiness

i want to embrace that rawness and live it myself, with honesty, and honesty, doesn't god want us to be honest with him? and doesn't god want us to be on a quest for success in glorifying his name? and loving others, REALLY loving them? in my rawness, that's where i have trouble, so i'll end with this:

Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. --1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

ps. what would it look like to live everyday as a raw miracle?

do you ever contemplate the will of god? ok maybe that was a stupid question... i think from time to time we all contemplate our lives- why is this happening to me? what is the point of this? i'm like that now. i have lived in va for almost two years now. i still think, i miss my friends in nebraska, i want to move back. i want to laugh with them to the wee hours of morning like we used to. instead, i've turned into an old 22 year old that lives with her parents and goes to bed at 9pm. is that a little bit sad? maybe for older people, no. not at all.

sure.

okay. let me say it a different way. i have been doing lessons on the importance of god's community with my students at work. did you know that god has created us to be in community with one another? when he breathed life into us- he breathed a desire into us, to be with other people. Christopher McCandleless said "happiness is only real when shared." do you believe that? i totally do. when i have a great meeting with the kids, the first thing i want to do is call my bffle (in middle school language that means "best friends for like eva") and tell him all about it. okay so here's where i question.

for some reason, god has me in va and him in nebraska, along with all my other bffle's. and i think, god, why do i not have that community here, after two years? two years really- and i still don't have that wee hour morning laughter like i did back home.

so then i think, what is the point of this?? really god? you have a purpose for this? if i could, i would move back to omaha in a second, room with sheree (the world's greatest roommate) and eat sushi with todd, play with shane's kids, talk with jess till we can't stay awake any longer.. so i pray about it, and no peace. so i pray some more about it and still no peace. just a little more-- honestly third times a charm right?? nope. still no peace.

so i started to think back on the past two years of being here. meeting lynn (my beautiful scottish friend) working at camp my first summer here, looking like crazy for a job, any job (only to realize that life outside of youth ministry was not at all what God had planned for me), meeting justin and heather and other awesome small group/crossroads volunteers that have become great friends, laughing at how funny tim is, going to hawaii with ang, seeing my neice be born, getting closer to my sister again... so much, but who could forget-- finding the job of my dreams, working with people i love beyond words, sharon, laura, craigan, and then the kids. oh ya-- the kids that i was made to serve.

and then it clicks- the kids, my kids, my students. it's like god has been saying this whole time "hold on a minute- look at these precious lives i've brought to you after nights of praying and praying and praying for them. just do you thing now."

so there is this song by pete murray called opportunity, he sings:

"Hold on now your exits here, It's waiting just for you, Don't pause too long, It's fading now, It's ending all too soon you'll see."

so this isn't a christian song, but it really got me thinking, soon i'll see. god has given me this great opportunity, and i am totally being selfish, overlooking it, praying for something that very well may not be part of his plan, and in doing that, hoping for something else, i may be missing my exit out of loneliness. i may lose this chance of changing lives for eternity, all because i want to be with my friends back home.. really? what a waste!

while i feel i am missing out on that sense of community that i long for, i really am not- because in reality- i am in one of the greatest communities of all. I am helping provide a community for my students that are lonely, and sad, and looking for a place to fit in.

1 Peter 4:2 says "you won't spend the rest of your lives chasing your own desires, but you will be anxious to do the will of God."

how awesome-o is that?! it's like soon i saw...